Saying NO To New Year, New Me.

So I'm aware we're already a few days into the new year but I wasn't sure myself if I could stick to saying no. We've all done it and if you have this year that's not a bad thing. This new year however isn't going to start with the typical changes of 'losing weight' or 'being a better person' it's not even going to be about 'quitting smoking' or 'giving up chocolate.'

Every year we tell ourselves that this one is going to be better than the last and to be honest I could really do with that hope right now but I'm not that naive to try and make that promise to myself. I can't predict things, tragedies and just plain hard luck can strike you at any moment. No, I haven't had losses, not the important kind anyway, I've had shit thrown at me and I've learnt to deal with it.

So my resolution last year was to be a better person (spoiler alert, I'm not mother Teresa or Angelina Jolie - yet.) I still say mean things when I'm hurt and I haven't found patience for the people I really can't stand, I have however tried.  I know I sound like that teacher that tells you at sports day; "well at least you tried!" but honestly it's true. You took the time out to look at your life and think 'I want change' and the wanting is the start.

We ask ourselves: can people really and truly ever change? I believe we can but not at the drop of a hat. Real, sincere change starts when it hits you hard and it can take a life time to accomplish but it's all about the process.

Last year I was at a college I loved doing things that I had only dreamed about. I loved every single moment of it. I thought this is my year. Not all 365 days can be perfect though. Around spring my best friend who taught me to accept compliments and affection and the only person who truly understood my depression and anxiety was the victim of a hit and run. When I heard about it I froze. I'm making it sound dramatic and if you looked at us today it would look like nothing happened. I can tell you that you don't ever forget the image of one of the strongest people in your life, lying in a hospital bed hooked up to machines and knocked out from the morphine. I can also tell you that those are the moments that make you change. I was never a strong person before but I had to be then, no I'm not her mother - that woman is my idol trust me but it takes a lot to not show how scared you are.

As if that wasn't bad enough towards the very end of the year I discovered that I have polycystic ovaries. I don't really understand what it means all I know is it's not the same as the syndrome but it's just as shit. Basically my chances of natural conception are a lot less and with it nearly being a year since my last period it's starting to get at me but I'm coping because I have to.

This post isn't a sob story as much as it seems like that was my plan. To put it lightly my point is that change doesn't have a start and end date. You start it at the most unexpected times and I don't know if it ever really ends.

Happy New Year, I hope it's not shit.

Elle xx

Highlights of 2014